I apologize for being so sad lately, but this slump will end soon, I hope.
I keep putting on my armor, but it never seems to be enough. It's getting dented. I'm still putting it on, hoping it will protect me, but it has proven to be a difficult journey.
Every day is getting a little harder and a little better. I've found friendship, but when it is absent, the sadness and depression consumes me. I constantly find myself at the airport watching the airplanes take off, wishing that I was in the cockipit, or rather that I wasn't here on this earth.
I constantly find myself wandering where the off switch is. It pains me to feel so alone, and I can't break that slump. I'm ready for something new, and something to bring me forth from this sadness.
To add, I have been looking into a diabetic support group, but sadly I missed their meeting date for this month. Damn it, I could really use some extreme support right now. The fake smiles I'm putting on are getting harder and harder each day. I was near letting myself slip into an unmangaged low last week, but my friend (B) has been there for me. I hate complaining to him, but I crave his pressence unlike anything else. In a nutshell it revolves around the fact that he actually cares. He is unlike any friend I have ever had. I would consider him my best friend, even if I am not his. I've found something worth living for right now. I'm still looking for other things, but in the mean time, he is helping more than he will EVER know.
For now I think I am going to go watch the airplanes. Have a good day, I'm trying.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
The Clock; Serenity
For a few moments today I felt like nothing was wrong with my body. I have become so fast at administering units with this pump it is as if I forget that I actually administered them. Or I find more often than not, that I actually forget to adminster them.
Later in the day, my laptop bag hit my abdomen where for the time being I have placed my pod/pump. A pain shot through my body as the cannula collided deeper into my subcutaneous fat. Later in the day I also experienced severe hot flashes, nausea, and throbbing pain behind my eyes.
My numbers have ranged between 99 and 154 today after eating only Taco Bell and having a diet coke. It has been a good day numbers wise, but again the fear is ever present.
I'm pulling through, for a clear moment today, I was walking and felt a serenity wash over me, and for the first time in a while, a smile, just to smile, came across my face. It was the most peaceful I have felt in ages. I don't know what caused it.
In all honesty I think I have accepted that in the long run, the diabetes will eventually take my life, or at least be a large contributor to my declining health in the next five decades. I feel at peace with this fact, much like coming to terms with death. It is liberating, and although it may seem sad, it is liberating. I must manage the best I can, I am going to fight for my time here on earth. I have to. I can't mess around with this time I have anymore, who knows how long I will have.
Every minute counts, the clock has started. Let's go.
Later in the day, my laptop bag hit my abdomen where for the time being I have placed my pod/pump. A pain shot through my body as the cannula collided deeper into my subcutaneous fat. Later in the day I also experienced severe hot flashes, nausea, and throbbing pain behind my eyes.
My numbers have ranged between 99 and 154 today after eating only Taco Bell and having a diet coke. It has been a good day numbers wise, but again the fear is ever present.
I'm pulling through, for a clear moment today, I was walking and felt a serenity wash over me, and for the first time in a while, a smile, just to smile, came across my face. It was the most peaceful I have felt in ages. I don't know what caused it.
In all honesty I think I have accepted that in the long run, the diabetes will eventually take my life, or at least be a large contributor to my declining health in the next five decades. I feel at peace with this fact, much like coming to terms with death. It is liberating, and although it may seem sad, it is liberating. I must manage the best I can, I am going to fight for my time here on earth. I have to. I can't mess around with this time I have anymore, who knows how long I will have.
Every minute counts, the clock has started. Let's go.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The beginning.
I am one year into being Diabetic. Type 1. I produce no insulin. I live on a pump. I live in America in the state of Texas. I am Caucasian and I am 19 years old. This will be my story. I will update you as much as I can. Often I find that this disease is taken alone, it throws its punches but there is no one there to pick you up when you take a hit. We are a silent breed, living in fear, heartache, depression, management, and happiness.
As of now I am on the omni pod pump system after being on the rapid injection pens. I am on straight grade novolog. I change my pump every three days. It is placed on a spot on my body.
Enough about that. Let me get to the fun aspects of being diabetic; the emotions.
Depression is a constant and recurring factor in the life of a diabetic. My numbers are ALWAYS perfect, I am extremely well managed, but the disease is getting to me. As of lately the idea of doing what I do for the next forty years is dreadful. Day after day, night after night, I am my body's manager.
I find myself wishing that I would succumb to ketoacidosis, I find myself wanting to just waste away. There is only so much strength in one's body. It is hard to breathe a breath in the morning, and those moments where I wish I could shut off and go limp are recurring and constant. Those fake smiles I put on everyday are eating away at me. They are killing me. Why won't someone just understand how hard this is. I can't do this alone, but when it comes down to it, for the next 40 or 50 years I will be doing it alone. I am scared beyond any stretch of the imagination. So violently scared. I HOPE THINGS TURN AROUND. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AT THIS POINT. I'm doing everything right, but it all feels so wrong, and so tedious.
My numbers today were 143, I didn't eat breakfast or any food for that matter purely for the fact that I don't want to prick my fingers today or even hear of diabetes.
I'll post graphs of my glucose levels and things of that sort and my diet so you can better understand how to be a good diabetic, and maybe I can help you help yourself. Maybe you can help me. Maybe we can help each other.
As of now I am on the omni pod pump system after being on the rapid injection pens. I am on straight grade novolog. I change my pump every three days. It is placed on a spot on my body.
Enough about that. Let me get to the fun aspects of being diabetic; the emotions.
Depression is a constant and recurring factor in the life of a diabetic. My numbers are ALWAYS perfect, I am extremely well managed, but the disease is getting to me. As of lately the idea of doing what I do for the next forty years is dreadful. Day after day, night after night, I am my body's manager.
I find myself wishing that I would succumb to ketoacidosis, I find myself wanting to just waste away. There is only so much strength in one's body. It is hard to breathe a breath in the morning, and those moments where I wish I could shut off and go limp are recurring and constant. Those fake smiles I put on everyday are eating away at me. They are killing me. Why won't someone just understand how hard this is. I can't do this alone, but when it comes down to it, for the next 40 or 50 years I will be doing it alone. I am scared beyond any stretch of the imagination. So violently scared. I HOPE THINGS TURN AROUND. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AT THIS POINT. I'm doing everything right, but it all feels so wrong, and so tedious.
My numbers today were 143, I didn't eat breakfast or any food for that matter purely for the fact that I don't want to prick my fingers today or even hear of diabetes.
I'll post graphs of my glucose levels and things of that sort and my diet so you can better understand how to be a good diabetic, and maybe I can help you help yourself. Maybe you can help me. Maybe we can help each other.
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