The beginning.

I am one year into being Diabetic. Type 1. I produce no insulin. I live on a pump. I live in America in the state of Texas. I am Caucasian and I am 19 years old. This will be my story. I will update you as much as I can. Often I find that this disease is taken alone, it throws its punches but there is no one there to pick you up when you take a hit. We are a silent breed, living in fear, heartache, depression, management, and happiness.

As of now I am on the omni pod pump system after being on the rapid injection pens. I am on straight grade novolog. I change my pump every three days. It is placed on a spot on my body.

Enough about that. Let me get to the fun aspects of being diabetic; the emotions.

Depression is a constant and recurring factor in the life of a diabetic. My numbers are ALWAYS perfect, I am extremely well managed, but the disease is getting to me. As of lately the idea of doing what I do for the next forty years is dreadful. Day after day, night after night, I am my body's manager.

I find myself wishing that I would succumb to ketoacidosis, I find myself wanting to just waste away. There is only so much strength in one's body. It is hard to breathe a breath in the morning, and those moments where I wish I could shut off and go limp are recurring and constant. Those fake smiles I put on everyday are eating away at me. They are killing me. Why won't someone just understand how hard this is. I can't do this alone, but when it comes down to it, for the next 40 or 50 years I will be doing it alone. I am scared beyond any stretch of the imagination. So violently scared. I HOPE THINGS TURN AROUND. ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE AT THIS POINT. I'm doing everything right, but it all feels so wrong, and so tedious.

My numbers today were 143, I didn't eat breakfast or any food for that matter purely for the fact that I don't want to prick my fingers today or even hear of diabetes.

I'll post graphs of my glucose levels and things of that sort and my diet so you can better understand how to be a good diabetic, and maybe I can help you help yourself. Maybe you can help me. Maybe we can help each other.